Why I Self Medicate

I recently wrote a post about my scale needing an exorcism. I’m starting to think that I may need one too. (On that note, Linda has been nice lately, and I am officially 5 pounds down as of this morning).

I’m not sure if it is dieting, holiday stress, giving up alcohol, stress about moving cross-country, or stress about finances (probably all of the above) – but I feel (and have been acting) like I am going insane. Poor Joe.

Who am I kidding with this, “I’m not sure” business? I know that those are reasons why I feel so out of sorts.

To be honest, I think I’ve been medicating myself with food and alcohol for the past couple of years because I am absolutely petrified about dental school. While those things have momentarily numbed the pain, that behavior has just resulted in me being 50 pounds overweight and having one more thing to be unhappy about.

*Side note* Let’s be clear, I talk about medicating myself with alcohol, but I am not an alcoholic. I know the difference, Joe knows the difference. *End of side note*

Dental school petrifies me because:


I’m scared to be 3,000 miles from my family.

I’m scared that I won’t see much of my husband for 4 years.

I’m scared that I’ll have trouble finding a job.

I’m scared that even if I do find a job, I will neither like it nor get paid as much as my current job (which, let’s be honest, isn’t unicorns and rainbows).

I’m scared of what that means for our baby timeline and our standard of living for the next 4 years.

I’m scared that dental school is going to cost at least $400k.

I’m scared that 3 years ago, it cost $280k to graduate from the same school, so how confident can I feel in the projection of $400k if it’s risen so much, so quick?

I’m scared of what $400k in loans will look like with interest and on top of the loan debt from Joe’s undergraduate and post-baccalaureate program.

I’m scared of making friends (or, worse, not making friends) in Philly. I’m painfully socially awkward. The thought of meeting new people makes me nauseous even as I type.

I’m scared that instead of hating San Francisco for all the reasons I say I do, I really just hate living in a big city and I will hate Philadelphia too.

I’m scared to drive in the snow.

I’m scared that I won’t feel financially or emotionally secure enough to have a baby until dental school is over, and I really don’t want to wait that long.

I’m scared that if we do decide to have a baby before dental school is over, that I’ll essentially be a single mom because Joe will be too busy with school.

I’m scared that even after Joe graduates we’ll struggle financially since he quite likely will either have to do a GPR program (1-2 years) or do more school and specialize (2-3 years).

I’m scared that Joe and I are putting so much blood, sweat, and tears into this, and it could all be for naught since no one is promised a tomorrow.

I’m scared that the anxiety and unhappiness I’ve been blaming on all of the unknowns we are facing won’t go away once we get settled. And that I’ll know for sure that I am just an unhappy person.

I’m scared that I am a cruel wife for feeling all of these things, when Joe deserves nothing put positivity from me.

…

I really need to let go. I just don’t know how. I am hoping that running can eventually become my escape – but it currently it does nothing but make me sweaty and sore (that’s what she said.)