It's Official - I'm Going to Hate Myself

I did it! Yesterday I signed up for 36 pre-paid sessions with a trainer (3x a week for 3 months) and we did an assessment workout.

My assessment is that I am going to HATE myself. I am really glad that I bit the bullet and made that commitment, but there are going to be MANY, MANY times when I will surely question my sanity for subjecting myself to this torture - especially 36 promised sessions of torture.

I've already felt twinges of regret. They come, for example, every time I use the stairs and my butt feels like someone is going to town with a chisel on each cheek.

But, in the end, I'd rather hate myself for pushing myself than hate myself for being lazy and taking no action whatsoever.

I think it is pretty clear from my yo-yo dieting and constant vows of "I will improve" and "this time will be different," that I am currently incapable of committing to changing my body on my own. I'm furious at myself that my health and my desire to look better isn't motivation enough, but I  clearly need something more.

Maybe feeling accountable to my trainer will help give me the added push I need (after all, I am a people pleaser). Maybe knowing how disgusted I'd feel with myself if I wasted this money will do it. Maybe the very fact that I bet this large sum of money on myself will empower me and I'll switch into kick-butt mode.

Whatever the case, I truly believe that I will be better off once these 36 sessions are complete. It's just up to me how much better off I'll be. And I know that I'll be mad at myself mid-workout when I am exhausted and in pain, but I know it'll be worth it.

I may just have to avoid stairs as much as possible for the next 3 months. I wonder how Joe would feel about moving our bed downstairs to the living room ;)

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Weigh-in Wednesday

I am FINALLY the lowest I have been in 2014:

It's taken me nearly a month to make up for my two weeks of sloth and gluttony following my toe incident, but here I am :) In two months I am officially down 6.8 pounds.

I have also made two big decisions with regards to my weight loss.

The first decision was to rejigger my points and to make 2500 the goal before the cruise instead of 3000.

***Side Note*** For anyone new to the blog, here's where I explain my point system. The big prize I get for hitting my points is new clothes for our June cruise. ***End of Side Note***

I feel a little like I've cheated, but there is ZERO way that I was going to be able to attain the 3000 points. So it's either abandon the points all together, or re-evaluate them. Afraid that I was justifying something that shouldn't be justified (after all, this WAS an attainable goal when I first set it), I talked to Joe. He pointed out that Paparazzi has been taking up such a HUGE amount of time, that when I predicted my point-earning ability per day I had no idea that I was essentially going to be working a full time AND and half time job. There are also things that I've dropped earning points for (like going to church, since I felt wrong giving myself points for that), and I didn't adjust my original goal to reflect those changes.

So 2500 points it is - and according to Joe I am NOT allowed to change this again. No new clothes if I don't hit it. Given that I've been doing some online perusing of cute outfits lately, I refuse to let that happen.

Just a little inspiration courtesy of ModCloth.

Also, since I shouldn't be let entirely off the hook, I've eliminated my mini-rewards. I figure a new cruise wardrobe is motivation (and expensive) enough, and it's not fair that I get everything I promised myself when I haven't fully committed myself.

My other big change is that I have decided to hire a personal trainer. I had a trainer for several months about 5 years ago, and it really kept me consistent with going to the gym. I couldn't just back out because I didn't feel like going. I was also able to push myself a lot more, especially with weights, because I trusted he knew that what he was asking me to do was possible.

Yesterday while I was half-assedly using the elliptical machine and thinking of all the cute clothes I wanted to buy for the cruise, I realized that even if I earn the points to get the clothes - who says I'll actually look good in them. To-date, I've earned nearly 1000 points and lost 6.8 pounds. With only 1500 more points to go, if I lose at the same rate I won't even hit a total of 20 pounds lost before the cruise. 

Not cool.

My ability to hire a trainer is twofold:

a.) Trainers are surprisingly cheap in Philly.  The cost is about half of what it would have been to have a trainer in San Francisco.

b.) My job pays based on output and I am able to work as much as I want. This means I have the unique opportunity to "pay" for extras just by working extra hours. While it stinks to increase my workload even more, I feel like I would be a fool to turn down what I am viewing as free training (since our monthly income vs. expenses will work out to the same thing). 

So today I go in for my free consultation (30 minutes of goal-planning, 30 minute training session) and I'm going to just bite the bullet and officially sign up.

I planned to wait until after I got back from California to start training, but the last thing I want is to go into vacation-mode early and start eating bad in anticipation of the fact that I won't be eating the best while I am there (I ALWAYS do that). Plus, knowing I have someone who I will be accountable to when I return may mean that I am able to be more disciplined while I am gone. 

Wish me luck! I am sure to need it today.

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Busy, busy, busy

Wow - my blogging has been pretty nonexistent lately. Apologies for that. There hasn't been much going on in the Brier household the last 5 or so weeks. Joe is swamped with school, and I am swamped with work and Paparazzi stuff. While I am thrilled that it's taken off as it has (I have online parties booked every night for the next 8 nights - only stopping because I leave for 10 days in California after that), I have been running myself ragged trying to work my real job and trying to keep up with all the demands of this jewelry business.

Last week I had parties on 4 nights - it takes me about 2 hours per night (1 for the party, 1 for prepping/wrapping up), so that is 8 hours. Then, it took me about an hour to invoice, 2 hours to sort all the jewelry, and 5 hours to pack all the packages. The post office trips (I had to do 2 so far) added up to about 1 1/2 hours (darn those lines). I also had to prep marketing materials for the parties, which I probably spent another 1 1/2 hours on. So that means I spent about 19-20 hours last week on those two Paparazzi parties. Based on what I sold, I probably made about $280, so that means that this part-time job paid out around $14 an hour.

Honestly - not bad.

I'm actually happy I took the time to calculate that since I've been pretty frustrated with how time consuming it's been - haha. But when I have a full-time job already, devoting 20+ hours a week to a hobby is just not something I am going to be able to keep up.

How true this is haha

Frankly, the reason I started Paparazzi in the first place is because I was hoping it could evolve into a big enough moneymaker that when I needed to look for another job (since mine is a contract position), we'd have a cushion (since Philly's job market SUCKS). Deep down, I dreamed it could get big enough that I could do Paparazzi full-time and not have to find something else.

I'm seeing now that is actually a real possibility. The only catch is that my contract job is going really well, and it sounds like it's going to last a lot longer than I expected.

So now I need to make some serious decisions about how I want to proceed. I think what makes obvious sense is to cut way back on the parties once I get home from California next month. I'll probably just do one a week (instead of the 2-3 that I have been doing lately). It really stinks because I enjoy doing it, but my real job pays based on output. If I have extra time on my hands, it makes financial sense to do more of my actual job than to do jewelry parties.

Once that job is finished, I'll be able to ramp the jewelry biz back up :)

***Side Note*** And, by the way, don't get me wrong - I absolutely see the blessing in being busy because of work. It took a long time for me to find a job when we moved to Philadelphia, and I am so grateful that I am able to support my little family. I am especially grateful that this job is SO AMAZING - I truly could not ask for anything better. That said, were it not for Paparazzi, I'm sure I'd be bored out of my mind and have too much time on my hands. So I just need a happy medium. ***End of Side Note***

Alright - so it's settled. I have a plan moving forward!

I guess blogs can be therapeutic ;) it's nice to have a place to get my thoughts out... sorry you were along for this ride. I'm sure this didn't make the most entertaining post ;) But when all I've been doing and thinking about for the last 5 weeks is jewelry and work, you can't expect anything too exciting from me.

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Weigh-In Wednesday... A Little Late

I'm late with Weigh-In Wednesday again, but at least I did it :) I was a little afraid of my weight this week because of our HUGE Valentine's dinner. BUT I was down! Woot Woot!

I am officially down 5.6 pounds since the beginning of January. I'm still making up for those pounds I gained while nursing my broken toe (with wine and food, of course) a couple weeks ago, but 5.6 pounds is not too shabby. That's a 1.8 pound drop from last week.

Today I FINALLY got my butt back to the gym and did a 40 minute workout. I even walked there and back, which allowed me to log 60 total "exercise" minutes. I definitely needed those points. I'm still on track to earn my new cruise clothes, but I need to work a lot harder than I have been.

Anyways, it's late, I'm exhausted, and the number of things I have to do tomorrow is psyching me out pretty bad. I hope to blog more soon :)

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Valentine's Day 2014

Happy (belated) Valentine's Day everyone!

This year, as usual, Joe and I vetoed gifts in favor of going out to a fancy dinner. We also do this for our anniversary. We figure it's hard enough to think of gifts for birthdays and Christmases, why rack our brains for two more dates on the calendar? Plus, we have too much stuff as it is. What we don't have a lot of (especially now) is time with each other.

Since Valentine's Day was on a Friday this year, we decided to do our fancy dinner on Saturday and hang out at home on Friday night. Why brave the crowds? Especially when season 2 of House of Cards had a 2/14 start-date ;)

So Joe made heart-shaped pizza and we chilled on the couch watching House of Cards. It was SO relaxing - which was something both of us desperately needed.

For our fancy dinner on Saturday, Joe made reservations at a northern Italian steakhouse. MMMMM.

I was super pumped because I figured out how to do a sock bun in my hair. My hair NEVER EVER EVER cooperates. I could spray tons and tons and tons of hairspray in my hair and it still doesn't hold. I had pretty much given up on ever being able to have my hair in any sort of "do" - until I learned of the sock bun.

We got to the restaurant a little early, so we had some pre-dinner drinks. I accidentally ordered a $17 glass of wine. Oops...

I'm trying to grow out my bangs... they are in a super awkward stage...

Dinner was DELICIOUS.

We started off with Philly cheesesteak spring rolls - which were yummy:

We also had salads (no pics) and for dinner Joe had the flat iron steak and I had a 12 ounce filet mignon. I should have ordered the 8, but it's been way too long since I had steak - I couldn't turn down an extra 4 ounces ;) For sides, we had gnocchi with pomodoro sauce and mac-n-cheese with truffle oil. Oh-so-fancy!

Of course, we had to get dessert too. A chocolate molten soufflé with vanilla gelato:

We definitely want to go back when my parents visit. Though it was pretty pricey, they have free corkage on Sunday nights and if we could bring our own wine that would cut down the tab a lot.

When we got home, Joe suggested that we watch Dirty Dancing. He knows I love it and he had never seen it before. It was really fun and during the last dancing scene we started dancing around the living room (cheesy, but what-ev).

Then we both went to bed at about 10:30. I think we are getting old haha.

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Weigh-In Wednesday

After avoiding the scale for a couple weeks, I finally sucked it up and weighed myself. I knew I was going to gain, and I did:

Last weigh-in Wednesday (January 30) I was 201.8. I started the year at 207.8, so it was a solid 6 pound loss. Then "blahness" set in, I stopped going to the gym, I hurt my toe, and I ate and drank more than I should on more than one occasion. I'm still down 3.8 pounds since January 1, so at least that's something, but I am disappointed that not only did I gain, but I wasted 2 weeks where I could have lost weight. Had I stayed on the wagon, I would almost certainly be in the 190's today.

That's a rough pill to swallow.

We are getting closer and closer to our cruise this June, and I want to drop a solid amount of weight by then. With 18 weeks to go, I think it's totally possible to lose a total of 35 pounds (that includes the 3.8 that I am already down)... so I am going to aim for that. With a 35 pound loss, I'd be 172.8.

To help visually motivate me (you know, because my flab hanging over my jeans isn't enough visual motivation), I created this weight loss tracker that I hung by my scale in the bathroom:

On the left are the number of pounds I still have to lose, on the right are the number of pounds that I have lost.

Of course, I still have my points and if I don't start exercising again soon, there is ZERO chance I'll be able to earn my final prize of new clothes for the cruise.

Hopefully my new tracker and my (increasingly-difficult-to-achieve) points goal will help motivate me :) 

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Blah

Lately I've been feeling very blah.

I tend to get a little blue in the winter so, given that this is the coldest winter I've experienced with snowstorm after snowstorm, it's no surprise that I feel this way.

Plus, after I broke (?) my toe on Super Bowl Sunday I have been super inactive. I know, I know - it's just a toe. Look, I have a very low tolerance for pain (won't pregnancy and birth be fun someday?!), and this thing is just not healing. It started feeling better a few days ago, but then Buster jumped on it and now I can't even do something simple like wear shoes without being in pain.

So much for exercising.

It's not like I'd go to the gym even if my toe felt fine. I have zero desire to actually DO anything. Work has been taking significantly more time the past couple of weeks because I can't focus, and I am having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Last week I slept until 10 or later almost every day, and didn't get started on work until after lunch.

When I don't finish work until the late evening, the last thing I want to do is exercise, clean, cook - or anything else besides lay on the couch and watch TV. This just makes things worse, because I look around the house and become overwhelmed at all of the things I need to do. And then I look at the scale and see all my hard work in January being reversed.

I'm in SUCH A FUNK and I need to snap out of it. I'm sure the fact that I am in my house practically 24/7 is NOT helping. I'm sure that not really having friends in Philadelphia is NOT helping. But I don't feel "up to" fixing either one of those things.

It's a vicious cycle.

I'll be fine. "Blahness" isn't a new feeling for me. It's just been a long time since I felt this way. For the last few years I blamed it on work, but now I LOVE my job (seriously, I couldn't be any luckier. Sometimes I want to pinch myself because I cannot believe how perfectly everything aligned to get me to where I am). So, I guess I'll just now blame it on the damn snow and cabin fever.

On a happier note, Joe is doing amazing in dental school. I am SO proud of him. He just wrapped up anatomy (his toughest class ever) and physiology. While he will still have science classes, now he's also going to get to do more practical things in the lab. His loupes arrived ($1,400 for those babies!) and so did his dental tool kit. He was like a little kid at Christmas :)

Alright - I am off to bed and hope to awake with determination to shake my "blahness."

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