It's Official - I'm Going to Hate Myself

I did it! Yesterday I signed up for 36 pre-paid sessions with a trainer (3x a week for 3 months) and we did an assessment workout.

My assessment is that I am going to HATE myself. I am really glad that I bit the bullet and made that commitment, but there are going to be MANY, MANY times when I will surely question my sanity for subjecting myself to this torture - especially 36 promised sessions of torture.

I've already felt twinges of regret. They come, for example, every time I use the stairs and my butt feels like someone is going to town with a chisel on each cheek.

But, in the end, I'd rather hate myself for pushing myself than hate myself for being lazy and taking no action whatsoever.

I think it is pretty clear from my yo-yo dieting and constant vows of "I will improve" and "this time will be different," that I am currently incapable of committing to changing my body on my own. I'm furious at myself that my health and my desire to look better isn't motivation enough, but I  clearly need something more.

Maybe feeling accountable to my trainer will help give me the added push I need (after all, I am a people pleaser). Maybe knowing how disgusted I'd feel with myself if I wasted this money will do it. Maybe the very fact that I bet this large sum of money on myself will empower me and I'll switch into kick-butt mode.

Whatever the case, I truly believe that I will be better off once these 36 sessions are complete. It's just up to me how much better off I'll be. And I know that I'll be mad at myself mid-workout when I am exhausted and in pain, but I know it'll be worth it.

I may just have to avoid stairs as much as possible for the next 3 months. I wonder how Joe would feel about moving our bed downstairs to the living room ;)

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